I feel very sad, it seems like shedding an old friend but it is time. I will never remove or shut down this blog because as far as I am concerned it is the Bakker family history and a large part of Mike. Although I will not be publishing regularly I would like to keep you in the loop about Michelle and Lynn. The belong on these pages because they were part of Mike’s story. I want to share news of the trust. I know I haven’t been proactive about it, but neither it nor I am going anywhere soon. I want to tell you when I have the blog in hardback in case anyone wants a copy.

Celebrate birthdays and anniversaries, make traditions, it is something to reminsce about and to look back on an relive. You can all do this.

Life is not a dress rehearsal.

Surround yourself with those who make you feel good. In any major event in your life people and circumstances change. Friends go, they just drift, it has changed for them too and it is no one’s fault, that is just how it is. Remember- people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. This you cannot change , it just is. Love and embrace those who cling to you. I have. I have also been very lucky to make a whole lot of new friends through this blog and I hope they regard me as a friend of theirs now.

Everyone is on their own journey, it may not be what you think is right but unless your opinion is asked for it is none of your business. We are all doing the best we can and what we think is right. I know this blog hasn’t sat easy with some people. Simple answer, don’t read it. I have never been offensive or hurtful. I have tried to and hopefully have helped people. You too have all suffered a loss or you wouldn’t be reading it. You too all miss Mike. At conception this was to help Mike and it did. In progress it was to help all of us. In the end it is something very dear to my heart, you cannot possibly realise how upset I feel as I do this. Nonsense I know but I can be a big girls’ blouse sometimes. I really thank you who have always been here for us.

This whole nightmare started just after Christmas when Mike felt slightly off colour. I told him to go to the doctor. “It will go” he said. I told him he had been drinking too much. Boy was I wrong. We never imagined. In fact over the holiday Mike, Melanie, Frances and I sat on the deck at Waiheke and discussed old age and dying. They planned my funeral and as longevity ran in their families they planned their dotage. Mike did tell us to chuck him in the green bin or if not scatter him in Honolulu (business class though). Our last outing as a couple was a wedding on the weekend of Anniversary weekend. Then a gastroscopy on Feb 3 then the news and then the specialist a week later. I was the one who had to tell Mike what the scan said and what it meant. From that moment I knew he was gone and soon but luckily he didn’t. He fought and battled. And you all backed him. I am not sure if he could have done it without you. I doubt if I could have because it wouldn’t have been my choice and it wasn’t. I did what Mike wanted. Once again I know there are those who don’t agree with what happened and what I did. I have very broad shoulders and I would do exactly the same again. This was Mike’s journey and everything that happened was his choice and his alone. The boys and I were the support crew to administer his wishes and make his final weeks the best they could possibly be. I can’t say it was ever easy. Being in the States was without doubt the hardest time of my life. I hated it. I was very scared. I feared that I wouldn’t get Mike home in time. You see I had been given a date by the medics so I counted the days. At one point I though both Mike and I would die there such was the mistrust I had. This is when your children save you. You find inner strength and do it for them. I was determined they would spend Mike’s last days with him. To those of you back here who knew what I knew and talked to me regularly and bought me back I will be forever in your debt. You know who you are.

Back in New Zealand Mike deteriorated fast but he still believed and fought. The boys believed and fought too. They are indeed their father’s sons. I can’t tell you it was ever easy but I think we all found peace, the little things that made us happy, the boiled eggs, the quest for the perfect coffee, the DVD’s, the photos, the music, “that fucking dog”, the family unit and lastly the blog – what a gift. We have been so blessed to have been allowed that time and Mike realised that it isn’t who dies with the most toys wins but more importantly –  if it doesn’t have a heartbeat it doesn’t matter.

I have started a new blog. As much as it pains me to let go of this one it is time. I am trying to do something different and start new family traditions. Mike will always be part of them too but if you continue doing the same things you just get the same results and we just can’t. It is too painful for us to think we are doing the same things we used to as a family and he isn’t there. I know many of you think I am strong but I still phone him (he’s really bad at returning calls though), I still haven’t cleaned out the wardrobe (why should I when he never did either), his name is still top of  the board at work and he is still in the office with us. Mike’s ashes, much to Noel’s disgust, remain on a shelf in the family room. I will let him go soon but I need for Kirk to be part of it. To me the box is not nearly large enough to hold the man, it is just symbolism.

There are 2 phrases amongst the amazing quotes you have sent, you are an articulate lot you know. Often your words and quotes have moved me to tears mind you it is a short journey these days. Mark I love you quote comparing Mike to heros. It was, to my mind, right on the money. Josephine JFDI is a mantra I intend to try to live by (Just F…ing Do It)- no wonder Mike spoke so highly of you. You are so right. If you want something to happen it is in your hands. You get to choose. Don’t blame others for your misfortune. There is always many who are much worse off than you are. Try walking through the chemo ward or spend some time helping in Acute Oncology and then reassess. You are all here and you are breathing and you can read and you have a computer. And now you can blog. How lucky are you!

To finish. Mike was a wonderful man, one of the best. He was a son, brother, uncle ,nephew, friend , boss, father and husband. We all loved him. We all miss him. He was a man to be admired and he left a wonderful legacy in many many ways. I continue to find them. Live your lives as if he was still giving you advise. BACK YOURSELF.

Mike may be gone but never never forgotten. Love you Mike.

NEW BLOG SITE   http://diariesfromthehill.wordpress.com

We site for the Mataka artist  www.hopegibbons.com

Also I won’t be sending Xmas cards this year. I have always had to be the one that has the first card in the letter box. Mostly hand chosen, none of this bulk purchase rubbish, appropriate for the personality in my opinion. It is not hte recession. It is not that I am very busy. It is not that I have become a greenie, I just can’t bear, over and over, to sign the cards differently this year. My apologies if anyone is offended, you will still all be in my thoughts but just not this year.

I have also done my first new blog – I just now need to find out how to get you all to it.

love

Tracey

I’m feeling a tad better today apart from the “yuckness” of taking a high dose antibiotic but I believe eating lots of ice cream is a cure for this. Especially if it is Kohu Road Golden Syrup or Dark Chocolate. I am sure the other flavours have some effect too, just not as much!

I worked late last night, even for me and got on top of things which always gives me a lift and another solid day today with a bit of late stuff (still not silly enough to exercise) and by tomorrow morning I will be on top of my game or so I hope as I won’t be able to work this weekend. On my way home last night I picked up Diamond (another one for the Best Of list ) and Cameron and I lay feel sorry for ourselves, spooning down their delicious soup. Then the blonde and I took to our beds and she snored like a man all night. I kid you not she sounds like a man after a very good night on the turps.

I have had very little excitement here today, just head down bum up with a quick-lunch with Viv. By the way, without doubt, Bambina has the best salmon salad I have ever eaten. I also got my major piece of art for over the fireplace at the Hill. A beautiful cross by a very good and very obliging artist called Hope Gibbons, based in Matakana. Thanks for the tip Pam. I have also had my other blog set up and ready to go. I will have it up and running next week. I just wish to finish this one with the respect it deserves so I have to compose my thought again. They were all there last week but flew away with the chaos. I have found that I like writing . A lot. Who would ever have thought. Even if nobody reads it I still like writing. It is and extra delight to find that I have on-line participants who like writing back and humour me by keep reading. I hope you will continue. This blog will never go away and I am in the process of getting the Mike component printed at the moment. Anyway I must stop waxing lyrical about it or will have nothing to put in the final chapter.

Nola, her 2 cousins and I are off to Wellington Saturday morning, a day in Wellington and then to Te Horo for the night. That is the place that first started me on my quest for a different life. It was a gift from those who roam and did they ever do well. We loved the place. I have bought the olive oil from there more than once but haven’t started since our first time so it will be interesting to see how it is run from a new perspective. Ruth Pretty’s class on Saturday is Christmas cooking. This used to be my absolute favourite time of the year and I am sure in years to come I may yet again embrace it but this year I am full of dread of memories and what might have been moments but I am determined not to spoil it and am going to try to lead by example. That is what Mike would have wanted. He had 54 very very good Christmas days which is more than most and I will rejoice that I was able to supply him with 30 of those. 27 weeks today by the way.

I hope you all have a good Thursday night and have something exciting planned for the weekend. If not get off your backside and arrange a “playdate” for yourself. Life is not a rehersal you know (guess who used to say that), no point moaning about what might have been!!

love

Tracey

I am filling in time while I wait for the final invoicing for the month so I can close off October. Personally it won’t be too soon to close off 2010.  I saw Noel today and he said he knew 2010 was going to be a bad year for many of us. When I asked if this was a cosmic thing or something spiritual he said in his opinion it was to give the rest of us that a left a wake up call to reassess our lives. I told him about Mike’s blog and he smiled (Noel doesn’t do technology at all) and he said if you can make 1 person change something in their lives or live a better life then you have achieved more than most. Mike’s journey, through this blog has changed many lives and made many rethink what is important so I think he may have hit the jackpot and got the 77 or was it 99 virgins!

I still feel like crap, spent last night feeling miserable and even more miserable as Cameron and I said goodbye to the Wests for the last time. I remember when we all started watching it and we thought it was too raunchy for the boys. However they won. I have been to the doctor today and am on antibiotics so hopefully will be back to perky by tomorrow.

Noel as always ,was a revelation. He told me I looked like crap and was full of bacteria. Right on the money. We talked about the boys in particular the prodigal one. He told me again and again what a good thing Waiheke was. Mike told him to tell me where to go and sit and he would come. We’ll see. He told me Mike had told him about a piece of jewelery I have that I had to wear to help heal. How would he know this? Again and again he told me Mike was happy and where he needed to be. I wish I had half his faith. He told me a lot of personal stuff that he couldn’t know. He made me cry and he cried too. Apparently Mike told him to tell me to sell the bach. Not economically viable in this economy I told him and he laughed. Apparently Mike said it didn’t matter and it was time. I really struggle with this, firstly Mike was an astute businessman and secondly he loved it. We will see. He asked me again where Mike was and I told him in the family room. Again he told me to scatter him or put him in the cupboard. Here we disagree and I win as pocession is 9/10th of the law. It is spiritual completion and I understand. He asked me what I would like to do finally and I told him , but I won’t be able to as it is not just me to be considered. He told me to follow my soul however sometimes it is not that easy. I know where Mike wants to rest, shame he changed his mind about Honolulu at the last-minute, it is just timing. No rush I guess. I like Noel because although I listen I don’t always take heed and that doesn’t matter as it is my journey, nobody else’s. Back in 4 weeks, apparently I need more work (in more ways than 1 I might add).

Another late finish here again and then home to a few chores and bed. I am stupid in many ways but know when your body is tell you to rest. And besides Nola and I are off to Ruth Pretty for a cooking lesson this weekend, Christmas meals no less so I have to be fighting fit for that.

Have a good evening, another good one to walk the dog and if you haven’t got one, walk to the pet store and buy one. Or two.

love

Tracey

I hadn’t intended to be away so long but I have been sick and still feel decidedly second hand so everything has been an effort today.

I saw the Wedding Planner yesterday and managed to get a few good tips and also a booking for a post wedding brunch in March. I have also had an enquiry for a planning day but I have romantic people staying that day and it wouldn’t be right to intrude. By the time I had stripped down the suites and done a bit of sorting our I felt like the proverbial. The ferry ride was a nightmare and thankfully Cameron had been sent home from work because he is still not fantastic and he came and picked up his aged parent towing a shopping trolley. Poor Cam. It was straight to bed until the blonde came to wake me. Having a temperature can make you feel miserable in so many different ways. Sadly I didn’t feel a whole lot improved this morning but you can’t go swanning around for 3 days and then phone in sick , besides it is Tuesday and I never take Tuesday off unless I am overseas, too much to do.

I wonder how Rodney (pukeko) Delilah (Duck) and the other friend who yesterday was nameless, Jock the Cable Bay winemakers border collie, got on without me.

I can’t lie , it has been a trial today however I feel a bit more in control now so no megadance or yoga for me sadly, even I am not that stupid.

Funny how the smallest thing can give you a reality check. Last night I went to put the green bin out, I almost pulled it over. In times past it would be overflowing, it was not unknown for the most agile child to jump on the contents to wedge a bit more in. And we recycle. Last night I flipped the lid and there lay a solitary bag, my eyes filled with tears, this was the sign of our fractionated family. Not even enough rubbish to fill half a bin, poor Cameron , he has had a very solitary weekend with Callum at work all weekend, only coming home to change his clothes. Bronwynn now in London, Juliet busy studying, me working in Waiheke, Haley gone, Frances gone,Kirk gone,Mike gone. How can your rubbish bin make you feel so sad, must be because I was feeling sick to start with.

One of Mike’s close school friends died yesterday, another gone too soon. Fabbian I feel your loss, your 2 closest school mates no longer here with you, I do understand what it feels like to be the one that’s left.

Michelle (Big Girls Undies) our thought and prayers are with you and those you love as you fight the hard fight in hospital.

Sorry I sound like a miserable excuse for a human today, I’m not good at being sick, too impatient to not be able to do what I should,hopefully tomorrow will be better with a good dose of the final episode of Outrageous Fortune. We love it.

I’ll publish the recipes tomorrow, even the writing about food is probably enough to give me a dose of the vapours today.

love

The miserable one

It is a magnificent Sunday night as I sit at my bench at Lavender Hill. I have a full house, really lovely people and have had a very busy weekend and Sunday especially. My only sadness is that this is what our famous family dinners of years gone by have come to this, me alone at the bench, Cam and Lucy alone at Mountain Road, Callum at work, Juliet studying at her house, Bronwynn and Spain Kirk who knows where and Mike hopefully watching from a fluffy cloud. I pine for the Sunday night dinners however I am determined that this will be a good thing for not only me but the boys and girls too. Lucy is already a given

Firstly Cameron is fine, still quite tired but medically nothing found. It was a tough couple of days with lots of “what ifs” swirling round.

I have had a full house, both suites for 3 nights each, 2 brides amongst it with one having her photos and getting ready time here. What a treat to be able to participate in their special day and she looked stunning. Although it was sunny the wind was howling so she must have been cold but it made for some very interesting shots with the veil horizontal. I have also met 2 very lovely couples celebrating birthdays. If all my guests are like the ones I have met so far I am in for a very happy future. Today, as yesterday, there was much washing  , cleaning and ironing. Thank God for Nola, she worked like a trojan and everything, I hope, was done to standard. Never have either of us put in so much effort to white linen. It truly was a pleasure to see it blowing on y clothes line in the breeze. And Nola could get a job in a chinese laundry the way her sheets were ironed!

Breakfast didn’t prove to be too hard with the winner clearly being my new recipe, creamy Portobello mushroom and thyme on sourdough. Delicious. If anyone wants the recipe please let me know. The muslei and lemon curd also went down a treat. I really think people like home cooking. Last night when Nola and I watched and Annabell Langbein cooking programme , I decided that the white and dark chocolate espresso hazelnut crunch would be perfect with the port we give as a little before bed snack, I will try it next time.

Rodney the pukeko takes delight in his early morning ablute in my fountain and today news had got out and he bought his close friend Delilah the duck. What a sight it was, tall blue pukeko on the top-level splashing the little brown duck swimming in the lower pond. As a treat Tony decided to clean it out for them so the fountain is at its magnificent best. There was also a pheasant running through the olive grove at dusk. Vegetables continue to thrive.

As my 2 guests have a late checkout I will have a big Allendale morning getting back under control I hope. I also have a wedding planner coming to meet with me in the afternoon then it is back home to the office, yoga and the boys. Funny thing is I have really missed them and just want them to be here with me to share all this, it is much more fun to share new experiences with others. It is my first night in this house all alone and i feel like a real grown up- wonder why that is when I have spent many many nights in houses alone before. I hope you have all had a good weekend.

love

Tracey

That’s a new one isn’t it. I am sitting at my dining table staring out over the olives to the very rough water. My bride has just checked in and the other suite has the brother-in -law sorting things out. All should be wonderful, however I think I must have done something very bad in a past life.

Wednesday night as I have said, Cameron was not very well but I phoned him from work at 7 on Thursday before I decided to come over here or not. He said he felt better but was going to go to the GP for a check as advised by Mummy (what a good boy). My first hurdle was the car ferry, I have never driven myself on it before but as I don’t have anyone else to do it for me I had no choice. How hard can it be I thought, men do it all the time. I got there early to be at the front of the line and thought all was good but then they told me that I had to back on in front of the 25 other drivers waiting to get on. This was not multi-choice so I just did it. Another tick, the first time is always the hardest in anything in life. I sat in the car and read going over, then off, coffee from Metros pick of the best on the Island and off to the hill to unload. Funny thing, yesterday was 26 weeks, half a year, since Mike left us. I had planned to do a final blog and start a new one and be thankful for what I have learnt in the last 26 weeks but at that moment it all turned to custard. Never mind. Anyway I started messing around doing my floral arrangements and generally getting things ready when my phone went and it was the GP telling me they were sending Cameron to hospital as one eye had dilated and was droopy. I had noticed it but didn’t think too much of it. Anyway he told me not to panic as it was more than likely nothing. He also had seen Mike and so passed on his condolences. That was the end of my preparations, I was on the next ferry home. I know I am and probably always will be an overprotective mother but when your family of 5 has been halved you cling to the 2 that are near you with everything you’ve got. And Bronwynn is in Spain so I had her worry as well.

Cameron was in assessing with every other man and his dog. It was truly a very bad time to be there, the hospital is on Red alert so they were turning ambulances away. Cam’s room was bursting and not one jot of privacy. We shared with the poor man next door having his prostrate checked. The poor old dear the other side felt it was time for her to go as she felt she was a nuisance to her son and opposite  lay a very sick Indian lady and I kid you not, every dairy last night must have shut early so the owners could crowd into our room, it was truly ridiculous. Anyway after me regularly complaining,  Cameron got his CT scan after only 6 hours. It was OK although they said they should have done a contrast, but he was in for the night on an IV. I came home about 10, answered a few texts , wished Lucy a happy 11th birthday and then fell fast asleep. I was torn but at 4 this morning he told me he felt fine so I came back to check my people in, sadly my heart isn’t in it as it should be today. He has just been to have an MRI just as a final  check as he still doesn’t look as he should although nothing sinister has shown up thank God.

I have made muslei here and want to make lemon and lime curd but my scales and pots are at the bach and I don’t feel right going just yet as my Saturday bride is nervous and on her own so I will just wait a bit.

I feels funny. I am excited and scared.  Happy and disappointed. I had nothing to do at 11 o’clock and panic came over me, everything was primpt and preened. I couldn’t just sit and although I would have liked to answer the call of the vegetables , it was too windy so instead of just relaxing I went and sorted out my office wreck. Hopefully, with time, and maybe when I am not on edge, I will be able to sit and enjoy the serenity.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. I will keep you updated and please keep your fingers crossed that it is nothing and he comes home today.

love from across the water

Tracey

It is a beautiful evening tonight, sunny and not too hot. Again it was a very busy day, I have also been trying to get a pil of stuff sorted so I can take it over to my other life and still work remotely on Allendale stuff – isn’t technology amazing. The car has been unbranded (Lavender Hill car not the black beast) as has the cards, letterheads etc etc. This is largely thanks to Callum and the creative organization he works with. It looks fantastic, there was nothing wrong with the last look, it is just something easy that you can put your own stamp on.

Anyway I had another quick hunt for a space filler, thank you to Viv who walked the streets for me and Pam who trolled the internet and the others who sent me very clever ideas, there are a lot of talented people out there. In the end our IT man said he had seen someone selling art from an old building up in Grey Lynn. They had something very suitable. In fact 2 somethings and very reasonable too so I have them loaded in the car ready to go. Now I have a one-off Tracey  Bakker original with no home. What to do. If only Lucy slept in a kennel it could adorn the wall!

I was off to advanced yoga full of vim and vigour tonight and just heading in when Cameron phoned. He was sick. Very sick. Vomitted all through his car, temperature sore head and ears etc etc. As all mothers know, this means you go to your child, the umbilical cord pulls you there and you access the situation. He looks dreadful and feels the same so I am just watching him for a while. I am about to go and clean the lumps out of his car. Mother of the Year I think. It is not the best weekend for this to happen and Bronwynn is in flight between LA and London so I hope to God she isn’t suffering from the same affliction.

Early start tomorrow, a bit of the office, load the flowers and the fruit and then off on the car ferry. I have a day to make museli, curd, shop and generally get my shit together. I hope the garden is flourishing, if those rotten rascally rabbits have been in it, they may yet feature on the menu.

Go and enjoy the evening, take the dog or significant other out for a stroll. Or better still an ice cream.

love

Tracey

I hope you had the sweepstake winner or even backed the winning horse.Neither of which apply to me.

Last night yoga was very full and a good class. I’m glad I went even though I almost sloped off at the last-minute. Then it was supermarket, home, apple and bosenberry crumble for today and bed. Up , work, pork in the oven before 6, wise chiropractor , more thinking, chocolate and raspberry muffin and mocha (trim) although what difference that will have made with the size of the muffin is anyone’s guess.

The pork sent delectable aromas around the office all morning and had us salivating. Another quinoa salad too and I think I have them all converted. More work  and then I left early for a number of reasons. I felt overwhelmingly tired, I felt suddenly very unhappy and I still haven’t been able to find all I need to take back on Thursday. The thing causing me the most consternation is something to hang on the wall in the lavender Suite. The previous owners took their very large piece of art as it was special to them and I thought it would be easy to find something about 1.5 meters long, soft colours and romantic or french or Tuscan. “You’re dreamin’ ” comes to mind. I have looked everywhere nd there aren’t  many everywheres to go so in desperation I decided that I would cobble something together myself. I have done small things before, not very good but they fill a gap. I was really good at the boys’ school projects, often an A, and their fancy dress too. So I thought what the hell, how bad can it be. Well now I know. I am covered in paint, have just watched Outrageous Fortune and moved said work of art to various places in the house to see if different lighting will help. The only lighting that has so far helped is the dark. Oh dear. Maybe when it dries. I guess it was too much to hope for seeing I started before megadance, came home and made 2 phone call whilst I completed, sum total of time 1 hour. Any ideas anybody.

Megadace was good, I am a big Usher fan now as it is one of the dances where no raised arms are required and it makes it much more pleasant, especially now it is getting warmer. 5 left this week so it must have been hard.

I’m off to bed, blonde is giving me the glad eye so I guess I will have company.

Take care

love

Tracey

I am back in more familiar surroundings, at my desk waiting to go to yoga. It certainly doesn’t feel one jot like summer to me. And I am hoping for rain so my fledgling vegetables will get a good dousing whilst I am away.

Monday started as it always does, with mountains of work piling in, a huge day for pricing for me, especially as Friday was the end of the month so we close off some of our bigger debtors. They were all hideous today, I’m sure the sparkies were playing with me, only giving me enough information to make me think I could find a price and then realising I had been short-changed. Boot up the bum in store for some of them I think. I keep telling them to imagine their mother is doing the pricing and that is what it is like for me but they don’t seem to get that I may know on paper what it is but have no idea, nor do I want to, of what it takes to run cable and install an RCB or and MCB or a whole group of other nasty letters. Work in progress.

I did manage to cook the boys quinoa for lunch to try to get them healthy, they loved it. Tomorrow being Melbourne Cup Day, and as quite a few of them are attending functions, I am going to cook for the rest the “Nigel No Friends” left behind. I will redo quinoa with another take on it to give them some more options. If I had more time I would recreate Ray McVinnie’s wonderful Ricotta chocolate cake he made for us last week. It was to die for. I will publish the recipe and also the warm potato and salmon salad  starter later in the week. If I forget please jog my memory. He also did the most delicious organic corned beef with a tuna, anchovy and caper mayo. I think it may be my choice for the “pick you favourite” Bakker family Xmas.

Tomorrow it is another early chiro visit, more pearls of wisdom I hope then head down bum up with a bit of cooking and if I am lucky enough to find the time, a few more purchases to go back with me on Thursday.

Lucy has gone into serious decline, she is not happy to be a city girl again. This morning I had to shake the tart to get her to get up. She had been so busy that her body was in revolt and she will have slept most of the day I would guess. Oh to come back as a dog. Not much more to share except I am freezing.

Have a good evening all

love

Tracey