THE FINAL BLOG

Good Afternoon All

I feel very sad, it seems like shedding an old friend but it is time. I will never remove or shut down this blog because as far as I am concerned it is the Bakker family history and a large part of Mike. Although I will not be publishing regularly I would like to keep you in the loop about Michelle and Lynn. The belong on these pages because they were part of Mike’s story. I want to share news of the trust. I know I haven’t been proactive about it, but neither it nor I am going anywhere soon. I want to tell you when I have the blog in hardback in case anyone wants a copy.

Statistics –  I was a blog virgin when this started as I am sure most of you were, how we have grown!

There has been 199662 hits on the site (I wanted 200000 but it is near enough to damn it really). I have posted 281 times. You have commented 2718 times (see you did all the work). The busiest day was, not surprisingly May 6 when there were 5984 hits and the site was temporarily closed down. In the couple of weeks preceding this we were in New Zealand’s top 10 sites. WOW. You are all truly truly amazing.

Lessons and Advice

Please please write to your children. If you read this you know the power of the pen, or in this case the keyboard. It will be truly important to them one day and you never know what may unfold in front of you. Men especially this is important.

Thank your children for what they do for you. The boys have astounded me with their maturity, strength of character and care. I have always been besotted with the boys but have realised they have flaws (yes really Kirk you do) and the other Marist mums will agree with this. However this year I take back every moan whine and bitch I have ever had about them. They could kill dead things. I am humbled by what I have seen them do and I have learnt from them. Full circle I think it’s called.

Celebrate birthdays and anniversaries, make traditions, it is something to reminsce about and to look back on an relive. You can all do this.

Life is not a dress rehearsal.

Surround yourself with those who make you feel good. In any major event in your life people and circumstances change. Friends go, they just drift, it has changed for them too and it is no one’s fault, that is just how it is. Remember- people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. This you cannot change , it just is. Love and embrace those who cling to you. I have. I have also been very lucky to make a whole lot of new friends through this blog and I hope they regard me as a friend of theirs now.

Everyone is on their own journey, it may not be what you think is right but unless your opinion is asked for it is none of your business. We are all doing the best we can and what we think is right. I know this blog hasn’t sat easy with some people. Simple answer, don’t read it. I have never been offensive or hurtful. I have tried to and hopefully have helped people. You too have all suffered a loss or you wouldn’t be reading it. You too all miss Mike. At conception this was to help Mike and it did. In progress it was to help all of us. In the end it is something very dear to my heart, you cannot possibly realise how upset I feel as I do this. Nonsense I know but I can be a big girls’ blouse sometimes. I really thank you who have always been here for us.

This whole nightmare started just after Christmas when Mike felt slightly off colour. I told him to go to the doctor. “It will go” he said. I told him he had been drinking too much. Boy was I wrong. We never imagined. In fact over the holiday Mike, Melanie, Frances and I sat on the deck at Waiheke and discussed old age and dying. They planned my funeral and as longevity ran in their families they planned their dotage. Mike did tell us to chuck him in the green bin or if not scatter him in Honolulu (business class though). Our last outing as a couple was a wedding on the weekend of Anniversary weekend. Then a gastroscopy on Feb 3 then the news and then the specialist a week later. I was the one who had to tell Mike what the scan said and what it meant. From that moment I knew he was gone and soon but luckily he didn’t. He fought and battled. And you all backed him. I am not sure if he could have done it without you. I doubt if I could have because it wouldn’t have been my choice and it wasn’t. I did what Mike wanted. Once again I know there are those who don’t agree with what happened and what I did. I have very broad shoulders and I would do exactly the same again. This was Mike’s journey and everything that happened was his choice and his alone. The boys and I were the support crew to administer his wishes and make his final weeks the best they could possibly be. I can’t say it was ever easy. Being in the States was without doubt the hardest time of my life. I hated it. I was very scared. I feared that I wouldn’t get Mike home in time. You see I had been given a date by the medics so I counted the days. At one point I though both Mike and I would die there such was the mistrust I had. This is when your children save you. You find inner strength and do it for them. I was determined they would spend Mike’s last days with him. To those of you back here who knew what I knew and talked to me regularly and bought me back I will be forever in your debt. You know who you are.

Back in New Zealand Mike deteriorated fast but he still believed and fought. The boys believed and fought too. They are indeed their father’s sons. I can’t tell you it was ever easy but I think we all found peace, the little things that made us happy, the boiled eggs, the quest for the perfect coffee, the DVD’s, the photos, the music, “that fucking dog”, the family unit and lastly the blog – what a gift. We have been so blessed to have been allowed that time and Mike realised that it isn’t who dies with the most toys wins but more importantly –  if it doesn’t have a heartbeat it doesn’t matter.

I have started a new blog. As much as it pains me to let go of this one it is time. I am trying to do something different and start new family traditions. Mike will always be part of them too but if you continue doing the same things you just get the same results and we just can’t. It is too painful for us to think we are doing the same things we used to as a family and he isn’t there. I know many of you think I am strong but I still phone him (he’s really bad at returning calls though), I still haven’t cleaned out the wardrobe (why should I when he never did either), his name is still top of  the board at work and he is still in the office with us. Mike’s ashes, much to Noel’s disgust, remain on a shelf in the family room. I will let him go soon but I need for Kirk to be part of it. To me the box is not nearly large enough to hold the man, it is just symbolism.

There are 2 phrases amongst the amazing quotes you have sent, you are an articulate lot you know. Often your words and quotes have moved me to tears mind you it is a short journey these days. Mark I love you quote comparing Mike to heros. It was, to my mind, right on the money. Josephine JFDI is a mantra I intend to try to live by (Just F…ing Do It)- no wonder Mike spoke so highly of you. You are so right. If you want something to happen it is in your hands. You get to choose. Don’t blame others for your misfortune. There is always many who are much worse off than you are. Try walking through the chemo ward or spend some time helping in Acute Oncology and then reassess. You are all here and you are breathing and you can read and you have a computer. And now you can blog. How lucky are you!

To finish. Mike was a wonderful man, one of the best. He was a son, brother, uncle ,nephew, friend , boss, father and husband. We all loved him. We all miss him. He was a man to be admired and he left a wonderful legacy in many many ways. I continue to find them. Live your lives as if he was still giving you advise. BACK YOURSELF.

Mike may be gone but never never forgotten. Love you Mike.

NEW BLOG SITE   http://diariesfromthehill.wordpress.com

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